I always wonder what would have been...

Forgive me, I am tipsy from wine and drugged up because of my horrifically painful knee. At times I would have cried out but I can't bring myself to scream in company. Really, sometimes my knee hurts so bad I don't know if I can live with this kind of pain. Then it goes away and it feels like a dream. Seriously, can pain be this bad and a person will live?? Crazy thought but true.

Thanksgiving was fine. Good food, my MIL cooked and it was yummy. My mom came to the In Laws and she was Normal. Hallelujah! But...

Speaking of crazy thoughts; My Nephew is two months older than my oldest would have been. It's so hard to see him. I always wonder what would she have been especially now that I have such a sweet child. I knew the baby was a girl and she would have been named Haylee. (funny same as my best friends daughter of the same age) When I see my nephew I wonder about my daughter; would she be happy, OMG, would she be that big??, that old??, how would she be in school, would she be smart, would she be as sweet as D is, what would she be like??? It is so bittersweet seeing him. What would my daughter be like? is the main question. I can't answer that and after a while I don't even try. It's too hard. It breaks my heart in so many pieces when I see him that I try to avoid him after a while. How mean is that?

I'm sorry for my nephew. He'll always be a marker of what could have been. If only... I don't mean him to be but I can't help it. I'll always see him and compare him to my 'what if'... That's not fair but it's the truth.

Sometimes the truth can be so hard.

Damn knee!

My knee hurts so frickin bad I can barely walk. The vicodin isn't even touching the pain any more and I feel like I'm just popping so many pills that aren't even working. The x-ray looked fine; it's not broken per se, but anyone who either does x-rays or knows enough about knees knows a regular x-ray doesn't show shit. Knees are way too complicated for anything to really show up on a regular x-ray. So I'm in such pain I think I'm gunna ask Dr. Jeff for an MRI. Or a CT scan. Or whatever I just need this knee to work again.

I'm almost ready to stop eating just to get this weight off and the pain to stop. Almost...

I hope it feels good enough to do some shopping tomorrow because I want to get some new holiday clothes. I've decided that my weight is no excuse not to have decent clothes and UNDERWEAR!!! I bought SIX (lol, I just typed 'sex') new bras and ordered 15 new pairs of undies. Granted they are my favorite old granny panties but they won't have big holes in them or be 15 years old, and my bras actually have the underwire in them, no more droopy mono-boob!! I cleaned out my underwear drawer and threw out tons of wireless bras and holy undies. Good ridence. It felt good to get rid of them.

Ag, I've got to get to sleep early tonight. D's already come in to sneak in here and just about scared the poo out of me.

I'm just going to finish up The Biggest Loser that I recorded and hopefully sleep. By the way, if Neil didn't look so much like my brother I'd think he was pretty hot. But he looks like bro, eek.

Good night!

hmmm

Reality TV really sucks lately.

Kimora Simons...SUCKS!

But more on her later.

The Kardashians...SUCKS TOO!!

It's bad enough the Kardashian Girls are silly dummys, I could handle that, but does the MOM have to be twice as stupid???

I think Kris (the Mom) thinks if she looks silly/dumb enough she'll look as young as her girls.

Please grow up. You just look stupid!!! Oh and OLD!!

Bad Evening

I've been wanting to do the meme that Mae tagged me with. Now that I have some pretty decent facts about myself I don't feel like writing them now. I'm not in the fun mood.

My mom and I have been fighting non stop this evening. It was bad; at one point I thought she was going to punch me in the face. I think in the end we agreed to put our differences aside and try to just...I don't know, agree to dissagree and love Boo. She's a good grandma and every kid needs love.

It was bad though. I still want to cry.

Maybe I'll go into details another time.

Tomorrow I'll do the meme.

He's back...

And he feels wonderful in my arms.

I picked up E from the airport today and any frustrations I had melted away by his smile. Man, I missed him.

D ran up to him and hugged his legs. I had to grab the coat and bag out of E's hands to let them have a proper hug. What a sweet sight!

We came home and plopped D in front of the TV to watch Duckies (Duck*Tales) and quickly had grown up time. *sigh*

Now they are sleeping soundly while I make E's favorite dinner, tacos. Then it's snuggle time and he has tomorrow off so we have more time together. Yay!

I'm so glad he's back. I love him.

Sunday Night Mish-Mash

~I really have a lot to do tomorrow. I vowed to myself that the house would be spotless when E gets home on Tuesday. Thank goodness my mom picked up today and has been keeping the kitchen clean!

~Boo came to work with me today. Part of it was that he wasn't ready for church in time to go with my mom. Another part of it is that I didn't really want him to go to church. Not that they would have harmed him, I just wanted him to be with me. My boss tried to get someone to cover for me and couldn't find anyone. Well, at the last minute an x-ray person and a lab person could cover for a few hours late in the afternoon. Boo was so good. He was such a doll! I packed some videos and he just sat there and watched them. Sometimes he would come look for me but all in all he was such a good boy. I really feel lucky to have him sometimes.

~I got a tattoo last night. E hates them and I know he'll scoff, but who cares. I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want. It's on my right foot and it has three ladybugs. It's not what I had in mind when I went to the tattoo place but it's almost better. I really love it. If we have another child I will add a ladybug. (I'll post a picture of it when I get the camera back.) I really like it and am glad I did it! I figured out yesterday that my old tattoo is 15 years old!!! It's been that long?

~My mom got a job managing apartments so she'll be moving out towards the end of the month.

~E's vacation is almost over. It's been weird. I miss him more than I thought I would only because doesn't really call me, He'll text me on occasion, and sends me some pictures in the evening and a short e-mail. The other day I totally thought he had forgotten all about us. I'm not only irritated at him but irritated that I feel so needy and clingy. But dammit, what if I forgot all about him? I'm so agitated with him I feel like telling him I'm sick and can't make the long drive to go get him. I'll bet then he'd be ringing up my cell for sure!!

~I really don't like that IKEA brave not beige song. I don't like when people have to strum so hard on a guitar. I grew up with guitars and to me just heavy strumming is not music. It's just noise! Eww. And her voice sucks. More of a reason not to buy their cheap furniture that I have to assemble myself.

~I think my knee is broken. Seriously. I'm afraid to have it x-rayed because if it is broken then what? I won't be able to drive, work (well that would be ok :)), take care of stuff. So, I'll just suffer but I know I won't be getting any pain meds unless I come clean about why I've been using them. Dr. Jeff thinks I'm using them for my neck. If I tell him that my knee hurts then he'll want to x-ray it.

~I've been a eating freak today. I feel fat and bloated. And tired.

~I'm pretty grouchy tonight. I'll watch some tv then hit the sack.

~To end on a good note: I really, really love Dominic and I'm so proud to be his momma. Just thinking of him makes me smile.

Holloween

Last night was fun although I don't have any pictures right now because E has the camera with him on his trip.

D was a Ninja Boy and looked so cute. We stayed at my in-laws (they're way closer to the local airport) and so we went trick-or-treating in their neighborhood. He was still a little apprehensive about the whole thing, from the costume to the going out and walking around in the dark. He did pretty good about going up to doors as long as one of us went up with him. One time we reached a house at the same time as a little princess and I told him to go up with her, I would be around the corner and he sure kept an eye out for me.

He's a bit of a 'fraidy Cat and when we would meet up with some other kids in scary costumes he'd turn on his heel and take off. We'd have to chase him down and try to convince him it was OK, they were only costumes. Surprisingly most of the kids were cool, taking off their masks when they noticed that he was scared. A couple of Skeleton kids about 8 or 9 years old wound up behind D at a door and he flipped. The kids were so sweet, they immediately whipped their masks off and said to D "See we're kids just like you! We're wearing a costume just like you are." They patted him on the back and took off down the street with D waving bye and looking better about the whole thing. I can't wait until next year, it keeps getting more and more fun.

There was going to be another part to this post but it was negative. I may put it up tomorrow. Needless to say last night was a very late night and this morning was very early and I haven't even bathed yet so I must go. It's going to be weird with E gone for a while.

Happy 1st of November. (Already??)