What's wrong with me?

I've had a wonderful day today. So many good things have happened these last couple of days I should feel happy and blessed.

At about 8:00 tonight I started feeling sad and... doomed. I have literally been laying on the couch, all curled up watching cheesy sitcoms and trying to figure out what this funk is. I'm almost in tears any minute.

Could it be:

The neighbors (Our best friends) are going thru a really tough time and last night it was about the breaking point. Neighbor Man stayed with us last night because Neighbor Lady was about to snap (and kick his ass and go to jail for it!). We love them but could their stress be stressing me out?

D is going to be staying with my dad and step mom this weekend. He also gets to spend the weekend with his cousin who is 8 months younger. That's good, but I'm gunna miss my little guy. I laid with him tonight looking into his sweet dark brown eyes and it's been so long since he's been away from us. Could I be missing him already?

I feel like a big, fat unhealthy cow. I feel horrible. Gross. Fat.

My mom sent me a card and letter that I received today. It made me sad for me and sad for her. I think for as much she annoys me I miss her.

Maybe that's it, because that last paragraph really brought the tears. Or maybe it's all of the above and I need to get it out.

Or maybe it's something else. Something I can't talk about right now, maybe never. Dumb to bring it up, but something has been in the back of my mind that I can't get out.

......

OK, crying over. Here's what has been awesome these last days:

Wednesday was my 34th birthday. Go me!

From E I got roller skates (that I've wanted forever) and I'm a horrible skater, but it's been fun to roll around. I haven't skated for 20 years!! I got the 4-wheeled kind, not rollerblades. I figure first the carpet, then the linoleum, then the back porch before I make my debut in the cul-de-sac. I want to be able to skate pretty good by mid summer. A long time, I know, but I need to take my time. As a teenager I broke my tail bone falling off a skateboard and it took about a decade to heal. I'm afraid, very afraid.

Also from E I got a gift cert for an hour massage. I really need it.

My sis in law got us (me and her) tickets for the B0dy W0rlds 3 exhibit. How awesome. And she is the right person to go with because she has this wonderfully open mind. I'm treating lunch and we'll be seeing my MIL. E and D will drive up with me and visit family. What a great day it will be.

Included in the letter my mom sent she sent $100 for clothes. Yay, a new outfit for the exhibit!

My little boy gets to spend the weekend with his cousin! I hope the grandparents can keep up!!

E has a healthy friend at work and now he wants to get healthy. He wants to try a week as a vegetarian. How funny, he is such a meat eater!! But we will try it next week. It won't be permanent, but a heads up to be healthier. I'm glad he's finally into losing weight (attn: beer belly!) and feeling better, it may help me in the long run to better health.

Lastly, I have a wonderful husband and little boy that loves me and that I love to death. I appreciate all my hubby does and I love that little boy more than life itself. I feel better now that I've gotten this all out.

It's long, but heart felt.

Happy Friday!

Logging into life

I've been trying to stay off the computer. Once I'm logged on time passes me by so quickly.

The really, really bad fights we had been having is because E was becoming frustrated with me not "keeping my end of our relationship up": He goes to work and brings 90% of the income in, I need do at least 90% of the household work. I was getting out of bed way past 10 o'clock and not keeping up with even the basics.

This last fight we had I really listened to what he said and I have to admit, he was right. He also called me on being depressed and yes I do think he was right on that one as well. It's hard to have contact with just a three year old all day. It's hard that I want to spend all my waking hours either on the computer or watching TV and stuffing my face with whatever is there because I don't want to deal with life. Then there was that thing with my mom, not only moving, but other stuff. (A whole different post all together.)

So, I've been spending my time picking up, cleaning up, trying to get out a little and I'm actually starting to feel better. E even asked me if I was taking a pill, meaning an anti depressant and no, I'm not. I'm just trying to live and make my house a happy place for me and the ones I love. Believe me, just the cluttered, messy, dirtiness made me want to stay in bed. It felt like it was just too overwhelming. But a little at a time and I'm making progress, not only in my house, but in my mind.

I think I'm coming around.

Oh, yes, D has stopped cussing. Thank goodness. Now all I have to do is keep my mouth clean!

She's just sooo pretty

When I see the Veet commercials with Allissa Millano looking all care free and sexy legged I just want to push her over. I can't believe she's my age. Do I look that good?

Ha.

I remember her in "Who's the Boss" and I wanted to be her, so pretty and so cool. I feel the same when I see her in the those commercials. The envious feelings take me back.

Ah well, I'm sure she has her problems too. I'm sure she would be completely envious of my hard headed husband and wild child.

Ha.

:)

The EFF word

My sweet and wonderful little boy has been saying the F word. He says it when he's frustrated about something and not getting his way. So it is in the right context, not just random. He has said it before usually after I honk the horn in my car irritated by someones dumb ass driving, but I never gave it any thought. But on Thursday E and I had a huge fight (we're talking a divorce kind of fight) and we were really cursing each other out and since then D has been saying either "f*cking man" or "f*cking mad". We're not sure which one. Please, I feel horrible just typing the word!!

Realizing that we have been trying to sensor what he sees and hears and damn, there is a lot of cursing, sex and violence going on! My neighbor? Mr. Really Bad Potty Mouth! Neighbor boy? Little Wrestling Dude. TV? Just a whole lot of nastiness that I didn't even realize was there.

So for a week we are going to not make a big deal out of The Word and hopefully he will just forget about it and stop saying it. As for the rest of the tainted world there will be more playing with toys and coloring and book reading and less TV. That is going to be hard for me because I love my TV.

But who doesn't love reading 'Goodnight Moon' over and over? And today I made three airplanes out of legos.

Go Me!

She said she's proud of me

My mom came in this morning to give me a kiss, tell me she loves me and she's proud of me and good bye. I told her not to cry and that it would all be ok and I loved her back. I waved good bye from the window but I couldn't watch them drive off, it was too hard.

After years of criticism on my being a lousy wife and a crappy mom that was the last thing I expected her to say. I'm not sure if it was prompted by my brother but it was nice to hear. Hard to hear.

She and my bro decided to stay an extra day to spend with us but it wound up being a little stressfull and I feel like they were a little unappreciative to E. I didn't like that.

I'm so mixed with emotions right now. The majority of the time I'm ok, then sadness, anger and dissapointment just floods over me and I start bawling.

My dad has been sweet, calling to check in on my and cheer me up.

I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok. That's what I keep telling myself. I have a wonderful family (E and D) and I just need to focus being a great wife and great mommy.

Going...

My mom has spent the last few days with us. Well, technically. Her stuff and truck are here and she sleeps here but she has been spending her time with the church people. Today is the last day she could have spent playing, reading and loving on her grandson, instead she spent it at church and having banana splits with her church friends at 9:00 at night. Why didn't she come over and make banana splits with D?

I know where her priorities are. And we are low on the list.

Well, lower then her church friends who won't even remember her next year.

Maybe she is trying to delay/ignore the inevitable. I realize it hurts her to leave and she is having trouble with this but she is being really selfish about it.

My eyes are not really swollen from allergies like I told her, I've been crying, sobbing even. I'm trying to be tough. I told her how I feel and she is still determined to go.

OK, have a good trip. I hope you find everything you are looking for.