Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget what a sweet, loving, good little boy I have. Sure a lot of times I get frustrated and want to have just a minute or two by myself, but I'm finding out that comes with the job. There are nights like tonight where he goes with the flow, understanding the routine and making it work; brushing his teeth, putting on his pj's, and helping me read nighttime stories and it makes me realize that he is so wonderful and I wouldn't have my life without him.

I'm sure he'll be up in a few minutes trying to sneak into our bed and I'll have to usher him back to his own, rub his back and hear his sweet "Night night, Momma" a few more times, but it's ok. I secretly like doing that.

I'll try to remember these sweet times when I'm at my wits end because these are the memories I want to remember forever.

PMS

I couldn't figure out why I'm having such a drastic mood change from last week to this. These past two days have been horrible. I'm hate full, pissy, bloating eating till I'm sick then eating some more. Even hearing little D say 'Momma, momma, momma, momma' over and over again is no longer cute. I want to jab an ice pick into my ears but I don't own one. Good thing.

As I was eating dinner I asked E what the date is- it's the 27th. According to my close recording of my body's every tick tock, I'm only 3-4 days from that time of the month. Ah ha!! Somehow now that I know that I feel much better, calmer. It's like now that I know my hormones are going totally crazy it's OK, there is a reason I feel psycho. Now I can deal accordingly.

In other news, my BP is still high. 145/95 was my reading on Saturday. Shit, maybe I'll have to go onto that third med after all. POOP!

Moving my butt

Today was the second day I walked on the treadmill. I had so much more enthusiasm and energy yesterday. I walked 25 minutes and 1.01 miles. It was a breeze. Today I walked for 17 minutes and .65 of a mile. I was pooped. Or maybe my muscles were a little worn out.

It was weird to get out of bed, put on my work-out clothes and shoes in anticipation of working out. It felt good. I'm gunna try to put in some time before work tomorrow if I can get up in time.

I'll also get my BP checked tomorrow. Hopefully it's good news.



PS. Thanks for the comment Ty, my fingers will be crossed for your own blood pressure reading!

Pills, part 2

Almost a month ago I started taking a woman's mega multi vitamin. From the start it has given me such energy. The difference is unbelievable! I no longer feel sluggish, tired and lazy. Which is part of the reason I haven't updated, I'm up doing stuff. My house is immaculate, D and I actually go places or I'll play with him here at the house. We even just WALKED to the veggie market up the road. It's only a half mile round trip, but I just couldn't see us driving up there when I have the energy to walk. I didn't even feel pooped when I got back. Sometimes I'm so busy doing stuff I forget to eat until D reminds me that he's hungry. But when I do eat I still pig out, so that's too bad.

I can also tell a difference the BP meds are doing. I think the high blood pressure contributed to the sluggish feeling. My headaches and nose bleeds are gone, too which is a plus.

My doc also gave me some vicodin and valium for my horrible neck aches that I've been having. I was in a bad accident in '01 and since then my neck has gotten progressively worse to the point where I could hardly wash my hair the neck spasms were so bad. Not to mention getting up every morning was excruciating. Now, it's weird to not have my neck killing me constantly. I can lift D or lay my head on E's shoulder and not be in pain.

I'm sad to be popping so many pills everyday, but I feel great. I recommend the woman's mega multi vitamin (thru GNC) to anyone who needs energy. Granted they are two giant horse pills that make your pee brighter yellow than any highlighter, but they are so worth it.

I've gotta run, my mattress pads and sheets are ready for the bed. (I even turned the mattress!)

Pills

Today I started on blood pressure medication. I'm sad that I'm so unhealthy that I can't just get up and start to exercise to get myself in shape.

My BP is about 180/120. That is ridiculous for anyone. That's a stroke waiting to happen. I've been having headaches, nose bleeds, and some foggy eyesight, hard thumping heartbeat and all around tiredness that finally got me worried enough to see my doctor.

I guess there really is a reason to see your doctor before starting a diet or exercise plan. My BP is so high that the doc I work with told me that the blood pressure natually goes up when we exercise and with a reading like mine I could have a stroke with just the slightest activity. Not to mention that she warned me about getting pregnant with such high blood pressure. I'd surely kill myself. Oh, and these meds are deadly for fetuses. Great, nice to know. I'm so ashamed that it's come to this.

My plan is to get it low enough to start exercising and hopefully that will lower it so that I won't have to take these damn pills.

I'm only 33 years old for craps sake! I'm so pissed at myself.

Foot in my mouth again

I've tried to get in touch with the SIL that we met at the coast, but no response. I have a weird feeling that I may have put my foot in my mouth and said something stupid that I didn't realize at the time. It seems that every time I'm with certain people I end up doing that then getting the cold shoulder for a while.

*sigh*

Why don't I ever just shut up?

Good times

We got back from the coast today and what a great time we had. The weather couldn't have been any more beautiful and the people are always so nice this time of year..

Hard as I tried I couldn't get anyone to cover for me to leave early on Sunday (jerks!) but that was fine. Once we got to the in-laws beach house I was so over being upset at anyone at work. Their house was gorgeous! Big, spacious and modern. They didn't have a back yard, they had a back river, a deck that lead down to a little boat dock on an inlet river coming off the ocean. We stayed up until 4 in the morning drinking, talking and being silly by playing Jenga. It was so fun.

On Saturday we went to Devil*s Punch*Bowl. It was not as cool as we thought it would be and went to look for a lighthouse that we could see from Devil's PB. Now, that was cool. It was an old lighthouse and we were there just in time to take the tour. I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to climb up all those stairs, but E insisted. I figured if it got to be too much I would just stop, but then I thought that I didn't want everyone else in the tour group to think that the Fat Chick had to bail, so I forced my legs to get me up the steps and hid my huffing and puffing. I have to admit, it was worth it.

We had a late lunch/early dinner then said our goodbyes. Sis-in-law and her hubby had to get to work the next day, but they did contemplate staying another night. E and I checked into our hotel then went down to the beach to walk on the beach. The tide was out so we climbed on some rocks and found some anemones to mess with, it's so cool how they cling to your finger. It got dark fast once the sun set so we stayed in our room talking and playing rummy. Sounds boring to some, but we really had a great time just talking and reconnecting.

Our room was cool. It was like a little living room/dining room/full kitchen studio, then when we were ready for bed we just pulled down the bed from a closet (a Murphy Bed) and there you go. It was nice not only because we could sit in the room and not feel like we were in a bedroom, but the full kitchen was nice to have. You could stay there quite a few days in a row and be comfortable and self-sufficient (and save money by not having to eat out every meal). Oh, and this morning they had an actual buffet breakfast with a guy that would make you an omelet or waffles for free, well it came with the room. But an actual breakfast, not just muffins and cookies that some 'continental breakfast' have to offer.

Today we took one last walk on the beach, then bought my in-laws something for watching little one. I was so happy to see D, I missed him. He gave us big hugs when we went to pick him up, he gives the best hugs ever.

The only downside to the trip was how fat, but mostly how out of shape I am. I could barely make it up the sandy beach without breathing so hard I couldn't talk and E had to ask me if I was ok. How embarrassing!

It was a great weekend, as usual for our Anniversary Trip. I can't wait until next year. Sure, we could go to the coast anytime, but for some reason it's always so special when it's our anniversary.

This post was written Tuesday afternoon.

Nothing to wear

YaY! I'm getting off work a couple of hours earlier tomorrow and heading to the beach a day earlier than planned. Sis-in-law's FIL has a beach house in the town we're staying in and, coincidentally enough, they are there this weekend. They've invited us to stay a night and we can go, thanks to someone covering me.

I packed our bags tonight and spent more time on what D and Big E were going to wear than what I was. Why? I'm too fat and nothing fits me. I've only bought a few things in the last months and they're not too flattering, they only just fit. Yuck. Not to mention that I'm bloated from starting TOM. Fuck, and I thought for sure I would be pregnant this month. Now I'm just an emotional, bloated and gross mess.

And not to mention that my Sis-in-law is a cutie pie that works out at 5:00 every morning and mostly eats right and I feel so fat right now. Why can't I feel this shitty when I'm looking in the fridge for something to eat? Why aren't these two feelings connected? They are in the same brain, by the way!!

I think I'll be ok. I picked out some clothes and I hope I won't look like a dork. Just have fun, just have fun, just have fun...

Hey, you're where I want to be!

My good friend Coleen has lost about 20 pounds in the last year I've known her. Her ultimate goal is something her Doc told her she should be due to her BMI: 140 to 145. She is doing her best, she is cutting back foods and running now up to two miles straight. Good for her!

Her current weight is about 170 lbs. She is small to me, and curvy. I told her that I would love to be her weight and be as hot has her. She just laughed.

I have another acquaintance/friend who is very, very heavy. I don't know her weight because it is not my business to know. But Barb has told me on different occasions that she would love to "lose about 150 lbs" and "be about 250 or so". She is older than me and acknowledges that she has been heavy so long that she will never be tiny. I understand that.

But it boggles my mind: I'm about 4 lbs above 250 on average these days and I hate my weight but I'm Barb's ideal weight. Coleen hates her weight and she is my ideal weight. I'm sure that there is someone out there that's 140 who wants to be 120. And so on, and so on...

Weight is a vicious cycle. Losing, gaining, maintaining...will it ever end? Will we, any of us, every be happy with ourselves?

Power of Three

I read an article recently that mentioned 'The power for three' which essentially means that you create three new positive habits and do them for 28 days and you can positively turn your life around. These three new habits can be anything, not just diet related but what ever you want. Ok, sounds good.

So since today is the beginning of a whole new month (already?) I will be starting my new habits:

1) Taking a shower and getting ready for the day the moment I wake up. Not waiting until the afternoon to do this.

2) Taking D outside for at least 15 minutes unless it's raining too hard.

3) Eating a healthy breakfast.

I didn't eat a healthy breakfast this morning, I forgot. But I am showered and dressed and will be taking D out in a minute, so 2 out of 3 for the first day is not bad.

Out of all three new habits taking D outside will be the hardest. Mother Nature and I are enemies. I despise all bugs and most animals. Every time I go outside I get bombarded with bugs and yes, I do jump up and flail my arms all over and typically look stupid. Birds and bats have dove at my head and stray dogs have come into my yard just to chase me. I'm not exaggerating, I swear God is playing a joke on me so he can have a good laugh. So I'm really going out of my comfort zone because I believe D needs some fresh air. I guess I could use some too.

So here I go. Yesterday as I was making dinner I happened to see a big fat possum in our garden beds eating some compost. Nice. Hopefully it'll be sleeping right now and will leave me alone!!