In less than a week...

I will be in Arizona! Egads, where has the time gone? I have so much to do, laundry, packing, making sure E has stuff to eat and wear while I'm gone, I have a friend that want's to get together this week and I want to take D to the state fair. Hopefully by the time I get to AZ time will go a little slower and I can relax with my family and friends.

I will miss E so much. Even though we want to scratch each others eyes out half the time, I will miss being with him, sharing stuff with him and most of all miss just having him with me. Before D came into our lives I would go on trips to Arizona by myself, enjoying doing things on my time schedule, without involving anyone, but since D was born, we have just been a little family, with E as the daddy bear, protector of us. I'm worried that D will go crazy and throw fits and I won't be able to calm him. He listens to E, not me.

I told my mom my concerns and she said "I'll be there with you!!" and I know that she feels like an awesome Gramma to be able to show off her grandbaby and all their mushy love, but we grate each others nerves after a while. I'm renting the car and I'm sure my driving concerns her. But I will be on my best behavior while we are down there and be the best daughter I can be and keep my snappy mouth shut.

E is watching some King of the Hill's that I've recorded for him on the DVR. I love to hear him laugh. It makes me smile. I have so much love for him today. I think I'll just go sit with him and snuggle and start the rush tomorrow.

:)

Well, that explains everything...

I decided to eat like I regularly do and calculate my calories. I consumed 4088 calories yesterday.

4088!!

At least I have the reason why I'm fat and getting fatter by the second. By my quick calculations I should be eating about 1650 to 1800 calories if I want to be 150 lbs. That's not too bad, I don't think.

Well, now that I'm depressed, I'm off to the outside market here in our town. I hope they don't have a lot of yummy smelling carny food!

Oh yeah, I forgot to add (read the one below first!)

The reason E thought the wedding was too 'country' (altho after 'this' happened he just called it "Hillbilly"):

As the Bride and Groom were walking down the isle as Man and Wife, some drunken YeeHaww yells:

"Get RRRR Done, You Can Doooo RRRRRR Alllll Nite Lonnngggggg!! Yyyeaaaahhhh!!!!"

I would have walked right over and kicked his sorry, drunken ass out!! But they just smiled and kept on going.

We said our bye's and left.

YeeHawwww!

Re-gifted Wedding Present!

The wedding was nice, but a little too 'Country' for Big E. And it was, but it was also sweet, my friend looked beautiful, her daughter looked beautiful and the ceremony was sweet. I also found out my friend Heidi is pregnant after two miscarriages and she was absolutely glowing, beautiful even. I'm a little sad that we left right after the recieving line, but we went out to dinner and had a "Hell's Kitchen" marathon, got comfy and that was fun, too.

The thing is that I never got a chance to get a gift. E reminded me as I ran in the door from work (damn 38 year old dork that had never roller skated before and fell and heard a 'crack' and came in at the last minute!!!) and the first things I thought of was these vases (but not pink) we got from E's little sister for Christmas.

E felt guilty, I kinda didn't.

He finally argreed and I stuck them in a cute bag and hurridly stamped a little card for them and we were on our way.

The big question for me is: Were we wrong for re-gifting??

The Big E asks: Were we wrong for re-gifting his sister's gift? (OMG, he told me just a bit ago, when he was visiting his mom she asked what we got them for a gift!! Maybe that is a part of his guilt???) He already felt bad re-gifting something from his little sis.

Is re-gifting bad? I wasn't going to use those vases, they were much too fancy for me, so maybe someone else would LOVE them. Is that so bad.?.?...

It's been a blur

This week has just flown by, actually this whole month has flown by. I can't believe that I will be flying to Arizona in two weeks!! And next week is the week that I work three days at our main clinic x-ray department and I haven't secured plans for someone to watch D. Also I just realized that tomorrow is my friend Sher's wedding and I haven't gotten her a gift. I don't even know what I'm going to wear.

My mom and stepdad will be watching D Saturday night. It's the second time he's stayed over there, but the first time with my with my stepdad there. And he has been a holy terror these last few days. We had a rough start in the morning, but we made it to the park and had fun. Then as we were walking to the car he noticed it, said "NO" and ran away! I chased him down, got him in the car and buckled him in, all the while he screamed and screamed bloody murder for about 10 minutes. I really thought I would have to pull the car over and abandon it with him screaming in it!

(I just went next door and they will watch D for an hour each day I need to work next week!)

I love D to death, but he knows how to push my buttons. He wants what he can't have, he screams when I say no, he NEVER listens to me or what I say, but when daddy's home he's better. E says I'm don't discipline enough or follow thru with my punishment and maybe he's right. I don't want to have to discipline, I just want him to behave so I can hug and kiss him all the time!

I've been doing my damdest to keep the house clean and it is proving to be a 24/7 job. I'm constantly picking stuff up, literally. I pick up shoes, blankets, clothes, toys, crayons, alphabet magnets (those I pick up atleast six times per day), cups, cheese stick wrapers, and that was just today even though I made sure the house was picked up before I went to bed. I want to start decluttering sometime in the near future because my house is a junk catch all and I'm tired of it. I'm really thinking that is why it's so hard to keep everything clean, you really can't organize clutter.

Well, my hubby's home! Time to figure what we'll be having for dinner.

OH, and about those alphabet magnets--I gave D an old cookie sheet to put the magnets on. He can just sit and play or we'll sit together and I'll spell out words. It's quite fun and a cool idea for an old cookie sheet!

Friday Tidbits

First of all, a HUGE THANK YOU to those who gave me a lot of great advice to think about in regards to my last post. I read the advice with a huge blush on my face murmuring "Could I be that brave???", while giggling like a school girl with my hand over my mouth. Yes, I'm a goober and very shy just thinking about letting my inhabitions go. But, I will definately try, I owe that to both of us. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes. :)

***

D is sick for the second time in his life. He woke up yesterday with a stuffy/runny nose and later in the day he started running a low grade fever and a slight cough. He's the same today, although still in semi-good spirits, he still clowns around in between crying when I wipe his nose. It's getting pretty red so I bought him some tissues with lotion on them hoping that would help. I also got him some Tylen0l Childrens runny nose and cough not realizing until I got home that it is for 'big kids'. That kind of made me irritated because it was about $7 and I ripped it open before I looked at the dosage. However, his nose was so bad today that I gave him half of a dose and most of the runniness is gone, he's still congested but at least it is not all over his face. Yuck! I'm sure he'll get better soon and I hope I don't get it with all the kisses he's been wanting!!

***

We've had four pipe bombs in our city yesterday. Who in the world would want to bomb us? Sure we are the capital city and have all the capital buildings here, but that's not where the bombs were. One was at the hospital parking structure, one was at some circuit board manufacturing business and one was just up the street from where we live at a local grocery store. (I'm not sure where the other one was). They were detinated and it caused a lot of traffic trouble and irritation here in town. What the hell were these people thinking?? I don't understand why anyone would do that, scare people and make bombs and threaten innocent people. It makes me very sad that this is happening to the world.

***

I work this weekend, and I hope it goes by smooth. I hope it's busy enough to make the days go by fast, but I also hope every one stays healthy and with all their bones intact so we are not swamped!

I hope everyone has a great weekend and again, thanks for the advice!

:)

Gettin Jiggley Wit It

It's official: My ass is now one with this chair I'm sitting in.

Must. Move. Soon.

Anyway, E and I had two days off together last weekend. He took Friday off and I took Saturday off and we had a real 'weekend' with each other. Other than the usual arguing it went fine and we are still married so far.

There is one thing he does that annoys the HELL out of me. Every time I get out of the shower I like a few minutes alone to get dressed. I start out nekked and dry my parts and wiggle into my underwear and bra and stand in front of the closet trying to muster up some sort of an outfit. During this time E ALWAYS wants to come in, to either brush his teeth, find some socks or just to see what I'm doing. (I always think he's trying to sneak a peak and catch a big eyefull of my train wreck of a body, which pisses me off!) I always grab my towel to hide behind because I don't want him to see me in the nude. Or even half nude. I hate my jiggly body and don't want him to see it and realize what a hideous freak he married. I always imagine if he sees me naked while sober he will never have sex with me ever again. And Lord knows I don't want that to happen because he's SO GOOD at what he does...ahem, anyway. I have taken maybe two or three showers with him, but it was late night, after drunken kinky sex and I kept my back to him the whole time. But that was years ago, and I don't foresee that happening again any time soon.

Anyway, I got mad at him on Saturday because he was at it again, wanting to barge in on me while I was trying to get dressed. I yelled at him and finally got him to leave which made him mad. Later when I calmed down I tried to explain to him how I felt. His only response was that he didn't care what I looked like. I'm his wife and he loves me.

Later that day after we had gotten home from being in the hot outdoors I bathed D to get the sweat and grime off him and E said he was going to get into the shower. He asked me if I wanted to get in before or after him. I said that I didn't care. Then he said that he remembered a time when I would take showers with him (I guess he meant the times I mentioned before). He made it seem like it was a regular occurrence. I just gave him a death-ray look and he left me alone. But it got me thinking...

I told my BFF C about the whole thing and she said that even though she should side with me because we are friends, she had to side with E. He married me and loves me the way I am, he's not blind and since I've been big the whole time we've been together he knows what I look like, so why not just stop worrying about it and try to get comfortable around him.

HA! Easier said than done.

I guess my point is to ask other big girls out there (C is not big, not thin, but curvy. I'd kill for her figure) how comfortable are you being naked around your hubbies? Do you just take it all off and throw caution into the wind? What are you thinking at the time?? Yes, every time we have sex I have a shirt or jammies on. Is this normal? Should I just get over myself and get nude in front of him?? Should I just believe that he is ok with my body and trust him?? I really love him and know he wouldn't point and laugh, but I'm so worried he'll gross out. Any advice on this subject would help, as I want to get into your heads and figure this out.

My sincerest thanks in advance!

(Calling C my 'BFF' make me feel like such a Hollywood Diva! Or a jr. high school girl! I can't decide!)

I'm OK!

The last post was pretty depressing, I must say. I was feeling so out of sorts, but I'm better.

Trying to stay true to my word and to myself I'm not drinking so much and I'm trying to eat less. I feel better, but the scale is still stuck at 250.00. I have been so consistant with that weight that I thought maybe that is my scale's limit, so I grabbed a gallon of water and took it into the bathroom with me to see if it would go up, sure enough I weighed more. It has been annoying to see the same number staring at me. Maybe if it were 150.00 day after day it would be ok, but, you know...

Yesterday I went to Starbucks and got the Tazo Iced Tea Lemonade just to try something different. Man, was it awesome. Not bad in calories either compaired to the other iced drinks I usually get (120 cals for a Grande). It got me thinking, I could make that here at home. I always have fresh brewed iced tea and I got a Lemonader for Mothers Day from my Step-Aunt. I just got done making fresh squeezed lemonade and put the two together and yum!! How refreshing! The lemonade does take 1 cup of sugar, maybe next time I'll use half suger and half Splenda.

Anyway, I needed to put something more light-hearted up. I really am feeling more light-hearted and wanted to share that. Thanks to all of you that come by and read this little, silly blog. I really appreciate it!!

More than you know.

Choose: Death or a Stroke?

I woke up at 5:00 this morning after a late night of drinking and eating with my heart pounding out of my chest and terrible gut-ache. My body was twitching and I just felt weird. I thought "What if I die?"

Then I thought of something worse: What if my thirty-four year old husband has to take care of his thirty-three year old invalid wife and his two year old son? How shitty would that be, especially since it probably could have been prevented??

I had a couple of dizzy spells this past weekend, I've been getting bloody noses and feeling so...ick. I don't even want to get my blood pressure checked because I'm sure it will still be thru the roof high. I feel like that old joke where the patient goes into the doctors office and tells him "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." and he says "Well stop doing that!"

I feel like shit and I'm on the road to shitty health and it's my own damn fault.

Just the vision of E having to care for me in some horrible condition or having to arrange my funeral, go thru all of my things just makes me so sad. He's too young for that and I'm to young for that. And D needs me. How would I be able to care for him? Am I over-reacting? I don't know, but I just got so scared this morning.

I havn't been back to sleep since 5 because every time I would close my eyes my mind would race; my health, visions of my past, even the state of the world. I feel so freaky today.

Gah, sorry for such a depressing post.