Happy Birthday to Me (on Tuesday)

I turned 33 on Tuesday. It took me forever to figure out how old I was turning. E gave me a surprise party for my 30th birthday, which was a total blast and totally a surprise, and it seems after that particular birthday I have lost track of my age. I'm ok with my age, I just don't think about it.

I got some money from my mom ($100) and I knew that I wanted to spend some of it on some new shirts. I got some cute pants earlier this spring, but I have such a hard time finding reasonably priced shirts that look cute. I figured this time I would look for shirts that I liked and not worry too much about the price. Throw caution into the wind. I went to three different stores on Tuesday and tried on easily 50 shirts/blouses/tops and they all looked like crap. They all fit, some were even big, but they looked horrible. They either made me look 2 years pregnant or they fit great in the shoulders and bust, but hugged my lumpy rolls. I wound up at T^arget and after trying on some ill fitting shirts I gave up. What would really make me happy to buy??

For my birthday I got a training potty seat and a big-wheel type rider. Obviously I can't use them, but I left the story happy. I had the money to buy my little one something and that made me smile. He loves his rider and loves to put everything else but peepee and poopoo in his toilet. Hmm, I think toilet training will be harder than I had anticipated! We'll see.

All in all I had a nice birthday, my mom took me to lunch, E took me to dinner, I got cards and phone calls, and today (Wednesday actually) my co-workers remembered and bought me a wind chime, got me a card, cupcakes and cookies. Very sweet!! I was so surprised. :)

All of us at work in the lab/x-ray area are going on diets. We have all weighed ourselves, wrote it down and will weight every week. UG! I actually got on the scale while co-workers watched. 256.6 Barf! I was so embarrassed, but figured maybe that's what I need. Accountability to some people that know me. And it will piss me off if they get skinny and I stay fat. Oh, I'd be pissed!!

Lastly, I got my cute little phone. It is really cute, but that's just what it is--a phone. Not too many frills, but it is Hot Pink and I like it. So far it sounds great. I have 4 days to use up 125 mins (not including mobile to mobile) so I will be trying it out on my friends tomorrow. I like it, it is sooo cute! And it takes pictures! And it's pink!!

I need to hit the sack as it is very late. Happy Thrusday!!

My desktop...

Here's my cutie pie...



It is so hard to take a picture of the little one because he is such a poser. He sees the camera and poses. We have no 'action shots' of him, only posing smiles. Maybe we should have entered him into modeling and we'd be rich by now!!

Oh I wish!!!

Mental health help is on it's way!

I get my Well*butrin prescription filled today! Yay! I haven't been taking it regularly and not have any on a steady basis, but I told E this week that I have to get it filled and start taking in everyday because it makes me feel like doing my daily tasks and it makes me feel like I don't have to eat everything in sight. I take it along with Eff*exor and I like the combo. I just forget to take pills. E had to razz me about taking two pills. "Why do you need to take TWO crazy pills? Are you that crazy??" I told him that to live with him requires me to take three 'crazy pills', but I keep it down to just the two. And I told him to buzz the hell off.

All in all I do think he understands, but I'm not sure if he has depression/anxiety in his family. Even if he did he wouldn't know. His family isn't open as mine (meaning my mom's side). I think having my uncle kill himself at a fairly young age (he was 10 years older than me and 36 at the time, three years older then I am now) made us all realize that we have issues and we better deal with them, or we know what could be an outcome. Scary stuff. I think about him when I'm really down and depressed/anxious, not because I want to do what he did, but the opposite, I wish that he could have gotten help, he was such a great, funny, sweet and loving guy. His death was a HUGE kick in the gut. No one ever knew just how bad he felt inside, not even his favorite brother/best friend, my uncle Joe. Whick makes uncle J feel horrible. And which makes all of us keep tabs on each other and ourselves. So if I must take pills, I will, I just need to remember to take them!!!

I really miss my uncle Danny. He was a great soul.

***

I ordered myself a Magenta RAZ*R today. The cost will be $49.99 after an $80 mail in rebate. We have to pay $130 up front and I don't think E will be happy about that, but this phone better work. My first phone sounded like a tin can with a string attached to it, and my next one dropped calls and got the worst reception. This hot pink little cutie better make it seem as if the caller is standing right next to me, or else I'll keep sending them phones back until they give me one that does. I really do hope it is a good phone, because I think I like it mostly because it's hot pink! I'm such a girl!

***

Again another day of my allergies acting up. I wish that they would go away. Bleh! And my house is still a disaster and I'm still lazy. Maybe I'll have more energy tomorrow!!

HA!

Oh, today's Tuesday!

I sent E an email yesterday with the subject at Tooosday. Where was my head?

Someone was banging on my door this morning. Two or so times and it really annoyed me so I didn't answer. It might have been my neighbor, I can't be sure but I don't like to be woken up that way.

I'm so bloated. I'm still eating like a cow and still swear that anyday I'll get on track. Ha!

I do swear that D can hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I thought it was my imagination and kept my mouth shut until E came to me and said that he thought D was singing a song. I'm not saying my child is gifted or anything, but being musical would not surprise me. I come from a musical family; singing, playing instruments, it all comes so naturally to us. My dad can pick up an instrument and just play it, my brother did basically the same until he realized that he would just rather sing and sing he does. He's actually been recorded a few times and it's so fun to hear your own brother coming from your speakers! I even played the violin when I was a child and until I didn't think it was cool anymore. I wished that I would have never quit. But I did surprise myself about a month ago when I grabbed a music book from D's class and sat down at his little alligator keyboard and plunked the songs out. Ha, I can still read music! E wants D to play sports and I figure that he could do both. That would be just great to me!!

I have to run some errands and figure out what I want to make for dinner: Enchiladas (which are so yummy, but take forever to make from scratch) or roasted chicken (am I in the mood for chicken?). We'll see.

I also have to get D out of time out. He certainly wants his way lately.

Happy Tuesday!

A mini vacation...away from myself

This post was started on Friday. The Sunday in question was not the one we just had, it was the one from a week ago.


I've been gone not only from the internet but from my home. No, it has nothing to do with me and E, just me. We are fine, as fine as we can be.

I went on a real bender on Sunday; sleeping pills, booze and a whole carton of ice cream I didn't even remember. On Monday I was really ashamed of myself. When E went to work and found me on the couch, half dressed with a empty carton of ice cream and crumbs all around me, I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I felt like shit.

Food has taken over my life. I wait for E to go to bed so I can binge. I thank God everyday that D doesn't understand when I stand there and eat out of the fridge, gorging myself instead of listening to him hand me a toy to play with him. I dream of food, it is my first thought in morning, last in the night and everything in between. It's really sad.

I just wanted to get away, from home, from E, from household duties and away from me. I packed up some clothes for me and D and headed to my Dad and Y's house. Despite how I feel about my dad at times theirs was the first place that came to mind when I thought about a 'safe haven'. They have a comfy home were you can kick your feet up and relax. They don't argue, there's no mean words, no competing over anyone's attention (except D, I don't think he liked me being there taking up Poppy and Grammi's time. At one point he screamed really loud and ran from person to person crying.) Y is easy to talk to and we just hung out, had brunch and shopping with her sister, and later in the week took her Auntie to do errands. Thursday was my favorite day, just hanging out at home, crocheting and cooking. She taught me how to make greens (mine are awful!) and the whole time all of us grown ups would take turns manning the remote control to the fan.

There were some tears and lots of laughs. I told Y what happened and she talked some sense into me; reminding me that I AM a good mom and wife, but I needed to take time out for me and think about all I've accomplished even in just the six years that she's known me. That I did think about. I always see myself in a boring rut, just a big fat boring blob that is lucky to have a nice husband and an adorable, happy little boy. I never remember that I am smart(!), I, too, am nice(!), and I bring a lot into my husband and child's life.

I feel so much better. E and I had a big argument/fight this Sunday, but it had been building for some time. It seems to be our way of getting all our frustrations out. Probably not the healthiest way, but we have made up and we are back to our old dorky selves; watching junk TV in between home improvement projects.

Mostly I feel rested. It was nice having someone let me into their loving home and taking care of me. I now can continue to do the same.

Infested

My review went so wonderfully. My managers only had good things to say about me. I was even a 'role model' in some categories. E just about fell out when he read I was a role model in the good and positive attitude category. And he thought he knew me...

My IUD came out with no pain, I was so worried about that. Going in was a bitch! I had menstrual type cramps last night, but not bad ones. I have to start charting my cycle and getting a good idea of my ovulation cycle. I also need to get healthier. In a few months we will start to try to have a baby. *nervous smile*

Our kitchen is infested with little sugar ants. I never knew there could be so many! I can't wait for E to get home. He loves a battle!

Off to work tonight. A couple of the girls have covered for me so I could take off, so I said I would do the same for them. See I do have a positive nice attitude!!

Have a great weekend!

Binging

I'm binging. Well, I just was. I made myself stop and think about why I'm numbly shoveling food into my mouth:

I need to pick up my house before my mom gets here, I don't want to, I'm lazy.

I get my IUD out today. That makes me nervous. Shouldn't that make me want to get healthy??

I have my yearly review this afternoon. That makes me even more nervous. My lab manager has this look that goes right thru you.

OK, no more food, no more procrastinating.

Happy Thursday, I think.