Weight: part 98455

My weight has really been on my mind lately. I was reading the achieves of Fatty McBlog and in March they had put a question on Craig*s List asking guys how they feel about big girls. Surprisingly some guys were just fine with them, but then there were the guys that weren't so nice stating basically that "Fat chicks are gross, sloppy, lazy, have messy apartments, smell, have no control and have a character defect"

It got me thinking about how I feel about large people and myself. As for myself I do agree that I'm lazy and I have no control. I don't think that I'm sloppy, although my house is not sparkling clean, and I feel that I have a wonderful character. I really don't know how weight and character compare, but some dumbass said that, so I threw it in there.

How does one lose weight? I've been on so many different programs and only gained weight. On LAWL I have gained about 8 lbs, which is sad since I have been on the program since October and according to them I should be down about 60-70 lbs. Sigh, that makes me so sad.

Anyway, how to lose the weight? Is it stregnth? Is it self-control? Is it breaking a habit? Gaining new habits?

I'm at a loss how people do it. I know that there are people out there that think that we should just accept ourselves as we are but I can't do that and be happy. I have tried, but I hate how I feel, how I look and don't want to be fat. I don't want a potruding stomach and jiggly neck. I want my clothes to fit me again and feel good in them, not stuffed.

I know the basics: Reduce calories in, expend more calories. But how the hell do I get motivation and dedication to do it? Where is it in me?? I'm so frustrated about this.

Meltdowns!

D has been having some huge fits, or meltdowns as we call them. Usually it's because he doesn't want to do something or I tell him no, then all hell breaks loose! I'm sure it's typical 2-year-old behavior, but it is wearing my patience very thin.

He has been drinking from a big boy cup, a regular cup. I fill it about an inch full and he's been doing surprisingly good. Only a few misses, but in all he's getting the hang of it. He seems to be doing good in other areas--he's been following some commands, putting things away when asked, getting stuff, ect. But in the big scheme of things, he still seems to be in his own world and can really ignore someone if he wants to.

I took D to music class on Monday and Tuesday. I don't know how well he liked it, he just kind of stood there staring at the other kids. He didn't dance or play the instruments, but it's a new thing for him and I figure it will take some time. He still has four weeks left. There's still time to catch on.

The whole situation with my dad is...I don't know, really. I think he's mad at ME! How it got turned around is anybodies guess. I offered D to stay the weekend with them on the weekend Rich will be in town and my dad told me that "Vonne is acting very sneaky and I think that she is going to send me down to Tucson to spend time golfing with my brother." WTF?!? What a liar. I gave him a 'Yeah, sure' attitude and asked him if I wasn't going to be seeing him at all that weekend. He said no, and I sarcastically said for him to have a good time golfing and hung up. What nerve!! I know he doesn't like to be called out and maybe I did that. He hasn't talked to me and that's what he does when he's mad. Last time I pissed him off he didn't talk to me for over a month. I even very nicely called and told step-mom about the music class and told her to have my dad call me and he hasn't. Oh well, I know my dad can be a baby and if he wants to act like one there is nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to be mad at him for his shitty actions, though. I've been learning that the only one hurt by anger is the angry person. If he really wants to keep Rich away from everyone that will just prove what a selfish person my dad really is.

I still sound mad, don't I? Not mad, just hurt.

I have to work tonight and still have some errands to run, dinner to make. This weekend is the memorial service to E's friends mother, we'll stay overnight and on Sunday we are going to Seaside and take D to the beach and the aquarium. He might not understand too much of it, but it will be fun!

Gotta run. I :( work!

Don't tell Mom (A really bad predicament)

My Dad wants us to lie to my Mom.

My dad is flying up my brother Rich and his wife Bri up for Rich's birthday. And my dad doesn't want anyone to know. The only reason I know is because I told him that me, my mom and D wanted to surprise him for his b-day. He said no.

Me: "Why?"

R: "Cuz."

Me: "Cuuzz why??"

R: "I'll...I'll be up there with dad. Don't say anything, dad doesn't want anyone to know. He was mad last time." (He had Rich up for my B-day and Rich told my mom and my dad was upset. He wants Rich and Bri all for himself.)

I found out today that my dad didn't even want me to know that they were coming. I guess my dad thought that thay would have D that weekend and dad said something to the fact that if he and step-mom, Vonnie had D they would have a great weekend, just the five of them!


WHAT???

My bro is really worried about this. I know he feels horrible about lying to my mom and I think they even have to lie to Bri's mom (she lives just north of us.)

This is just shitty on my dad's part. I'm really disappointed in him. I think that he and Vonnie feel that because they have money they can 'buy' people and situations. I remember him telling me to get my passport, that it is "important to have!! You never know what might come up!!" I couldn't spend the money and I found out later that he would have flown me up to England, where he was living at the time. Why didn't he just fucking tell me??? I might have felt it necessary to spend the money on a passport that I didn't know if I ever would use. (Yes, this situation leaves bile in my throat, I'm so pissed. They are such game players!!!!!!!!)

*Big breath*

Anyway, E and I have decided to offer to let D stay over that weekend ONLY because Rich really wants D to remember him and Bri and was excited at the prospect of getting to spend a lot of time with him. I'm going to call my dad tomorrow and just say that I need to work either Thurs or Fri and then they could keep D for the weekend on one condition: They need to bring him home on Sunday night. Hopefully they will surprise me and bring Rich and Bri so I can visit with them as well. (I really don't trust my sneaky dad!! He'd probably leave them at his house!)

For a while I didn't want to let them have D but Eric reminded me that bitterness breads greater bitterness and we aren't going to be like that because it's all about D and he needs to be loved and cherished no matter what. I agree.

In the end, the children come first, and D is really loved. Who can deny that.

But, how can I lie to my mom? That is going to be so hard and I resent that I have to do it. How shitty will she feel if ANYTHING comes out? Any family member could slip.

Just shitty.

Thursday

My teamleader from work just called me to inform me that I havn't signed up to work any holidays. I knew when she put up that stupid sheet that there would be trouble. I deliberatly didn't sign up because I'm already working holidays. I told her "Well, I figured that I'm working Easter, Mother's Day, Christmas Eve weekend, New Year's Eve weekend..."

Her: "Oh, oh, (she sound's a little flustered) so you are going to work Christmas Eve and NY Eve?"

Me: "Yes, since they're on the weekend, I figured that I would just work those days."

Her: "OK, just checking."

Now I'm worried that I sounded bitchy.

*****

For some reason my computer stopped making an internet connection. It wouldn't find a dial-tone and it was acting like that again today. I took the damn thing apart (losing some screws) and nother was out of place. I turned it on (after a quick prayer) and it seems fine now. But now I don't trust it. I keep thinking that it will lose the connection again and how can I live without the luxury of the internet right here in the middle of my house. It is so much better than to be cooped up in the office. I can start a load of laundry and still hear the e-mail chime. Or read my favorite blogs in between playing with D. It's so accessable, I love it.

*****

D had his first music class on Tuesday. Thanks to me and my lack of knowing my own city, he missed it. When I got to the music store I felt like a real dumbass because it is almost right across the street from my friends/neighbors coffee shop. The teacher was really nice and understanding and will let D make up the class on Monday. So next week he'll go on Monday and Tuesday. I'm really not sure of what the class does. It's a toddler class and I told the teacher, Sue over the phone that D does pretty much what ever and has no sense of direction. She said that was fine, he's like most 2-yr-olds. That made me feel better. I don't want him to be some wild child that the other parents can't stand. I always worry about that.

Well, I guess I've blabbed on long enough. The boy wants me to read him a story and is practically throwing the book into my arms. It makes it hard to type. :)

Happy Thursday!

He's so FINE!

Tonight I'm going to watch Jar*Head and enjoy every minute of it expecially the christmas scene where Jake G*yllenhall is wearing nothing but two christmas hats and nothing else. He's so hot and I can't wait!!

Sleep, Where Art Thou???

It's almost one in the morning and I can't sleep. I fell asleep when E came home and felt better, now I'm just cruising the internet in between workouts. I know, that sounds weird, but sometimes I just want to work out late at night; weight lift, yoga ball crunches, butt lifts...I just want to expend energy and fall asleep!!

Our (mine and E's) favorite show is Lost. OMG, what an awesome story!!! If you didn't watch last night then you really missed out. Even Eric, who is never impressed with TV, GASPED!!! At the last minute!! It scared and shocked the crap out of me! What the heck is going on??

I friggin LOVE that show!!!.

(Who the hell are you, Libby, (Wha??), Henry?? Really???)

Anyway, Day 2 of keeping on track with my eating. I atleast want to get to 199 in this lifetime!!

OMG, I hear Baby Boo crying!!! For pete's sake, why doesn't he sleep anymore???

Love to all, ~j

Sick?

I think that I'm sick. I feel like crap. My ears are plugged, my head is killing me, my nose is either burning or draining, my throat feels weird. I'm having more and more sinus pressure as the day goes on. Oh, and I have to work tonight. The house is a disaster, and all I want to do is sleep.

I feel horrible having to call in because I don't think that anyone can cover the shift without getting a ton of overtime and heaven-forbid that happens!! I guess it's only for about four hours. I can make it.

My dad has agreed to pay for a toddler music class for D and is calling over and over again for the details. It's driving me insane! I should be greatful, and I am, but for pete's sake, give me a day to make arrangements!

I think I just might take a nap.

Happy Wednesday to all!

HUmhmhmhm-HUUUUU!

HUmhmhmhm-HUUUUU!

This is what I've been doing all afternoon and evening. Clearing my throat to the point that I have to gag and it ain't fun. It is almost midnight and how am I supposed to rest easy doing this grunting-clearing every three seconds? I didn't know what in the world is causing this horrible thing until I was talking to E and realized that I'm congested, coughing and have this crap in my throat...

SPRING IS REALLY, REALLY CLOSE!!!!!

I would say it was here, but here in the NW we are still getting grey sky's and down-pours, so soon I will be miserable with allergies, yet very happy for the wonderful weather!!

In other news, I need to get my ass in gear and stop gaining weight. I am now officially 40 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight. Good Lord, that pisses me off. Today was the first day that I got on track and did LAWL's "Take-off" program, which is almost close to fasting. I get 16 oz juice with water, 6 oz protein, 2 svngs of veggies, 2 LAWL bars and water, water, water! I am starving!! (In writing this I realise that I can have another bar, thank goodness!!!!) Hopefully this will kick start my weight loss and that would be fantastic!!!

OK, time for bed, I took a Benadryl and hopefully it will clear my sinuses and my throat. I don't want to get kicked out of bed!!!

Happy Sunday!! Don't forget to change your clocks ahead and your fire alarm batteries!!