GGRRRRRR!

I hate dial up!!

I don't want to go to work AGAIN!!!

Why can't I stop shoveling food into my mouth?

Why am I so misrable?

Haaappy Thanksgiving

I hope every one has a great thanksgiving!!!

My dad is coming over and I'm cooking. I'm glad to be staying home. And I don't mind cooking--My dad is one person that ALWAYS loves what I make.

Then I have Friday off and I'll be going to my mom's house. Her in-laws are in town and I think that it would be nice for my mom to have someone over that is not super critical of her (me!)

I am so thankful for so many things: My son, husband, house.

I just wish I could quit eating!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Four AM

It's 4 in the morning and I've been awake for the better part of an hour. Thoughts are keeping me up and I hate when that happens. I feel irritable and spiteful and I'm not sure where that's coming from.

I guess I doesn't help when you go to the bathroom and step in a puddle of piss. How fricken rude is that. I've talked to E about that before and he just ignores me. Then he wonders why I hate cleaning the bathroom and why I make a huge fuss over it. The bathroom messes are generally his, so why is it my chore to clean it up? Oh, yea, because he goes to work.

I'm also so pissed at myself. I've been on LAWL for 44 days, or just over 6 weeks and I've only lost like 4 lbs. My first instinct is to blame them; 'your diet sucks, I'm not getting what you promised'. But let's get real for just a moment--I have not stuck with it other than the first week, not even for a day. I can not get thru a day with out some sort of a binge. Yesterday, I didn't have dinner, so I stopped at 7/eleven and went crazy, like some alcholic at a free bar. The day before that it was bread. I did so well the first part of the day then after I put D down I couldn't get enought of the white bread in the pantry. God, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm so disgusted.

I just feel like such shit lately. I'd go back on Lexapro, but I swear that is how I gained the last 15 pounds. I really packed it on those few months I was taking it. So I'm at a loss, it made me feel calmer, more in control, but...

Oh, my hands are howling right now typing this. For those of you who commented with your concerns (thanks, you are sweet!!) I have a severe case of carpel tunnel. I've had it for about 12 years now and it is just getting worse. I wish that I would have taken care of it years ago with physical therapy or some other method, but I stupidly kept putting it off, thinking some how it would go away on it's own. HA! It doesn't.

When I was pregnant with D, my carpel tunnel got very bad due to pregnancy swelling. I would wake E up in the middle of the night and ask him "to get the big knife and cut them (my arms) off". I would just cry and moan that over and over! Freaky, I know. I even asked my doctor if it was possible to have the surgery and recover without pain medication. Like that is even possible without some sort of voodoo!

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better having gotten this off my chest and out of my mind. I guess I type when I need to, dead hands or not! I hope this posts, E is downloading something and at dial up speed, it hogs up the connection. I don't want to save this and risk it being read!

Can you believe that it is Thanksgiving in a week!! Where did the year go?

Dead hands

I can't type, it took me 3 tries to finally log on to blogger. My hands are so dead, my fingers numb. I'm so tired of this.

I have an appointment with a surgeon on December 5th. That seems so far away when you wake up every night sobbing because your arms are on fire from the shoulder down and nothing takes away the pain.

I hate this. There is so much I can't do and the worst is not able to take care of little D. It frustrates me and makes me sad.

On the other hand, thank goodness for spell checker.

Better, but still have issues

My back is so much better today. I've been very careful with it since I know how fragile it is. I want this muscle to heal properly. I took a valium and vicodin before work yesterday and again this morning, and it seems that those may be my last pills I'll be taking. I feel good.

That being said, I just got off the treadmill, I walked 1.02 miles in 22+ minutes. Not shabby. I took care not to twist or get to crazy and my back still seems fine. You know, it is MUCH easier to walk while listening to music than watching TV. I just lost myself in the songs and before I knew it time had flown and it was time for a cool down. I really worked up a sweat, and now I feel really energized!

Now for the complaints:

Issue #1: I was my lowest weight last weekend (since being on LAWL) and as soon as I ate salt I gained 7 pounds that I can not get rid of. I have never worried about my salt intake while dieting and I think that is screwing with my body. I think for now I will eat my normal salt intake, it's not like I'm a huge salt freak anyway!

Issue #2: My metabolism SUCKS! I swear that bed rest really messed me up. My body seems to cling to the weight it is and any weight I do lose I gain it back in a matter of minutes. I guess that's why I jumped back on the treadmill, I need to get my body back in some kind of regular state.

Issue #3: Dieting SUCKS. I'm irritated at my self for gaining so much weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 204.5. I lost about 30 pounds and didn't appreciate it. I thought I was still a huge cow. My post pregnancy weight was 211. Again, I didn't get back on the wagon and take care of myself because I thought I was a cow. Now I'm a mega-sized 245 and I'm pissed that I have to lose all that weight again. It really makes me angry at myself.

Issue #4: I'll always have droopy, gross skin and that is depressing. Enough said.

Even though I have these issues I still feel pretty good. I think the walking helped. I'm going to go weigh in when E gets home to asses the damage that I didn't realize I did. I know that makes no since to you, never mind.

I know this post is full of gibberish, sometimes that is all I have in my head!

Have a happy Tueday!

Achy breaky back

I don't know what the hell I did on Saturday to pull the muscles on the lower right side of my back. It hurts so bad. I even checked myself in to the urgent care yesterday at work because it was spasming so bad every time I moved. I got a shot of Toradol and a prescription for valium and vicodin.

I felt better this morning until I bent and reached for something and my back seized up and I could barely stand up. It hurt so bad I was sobbing. Finally after two valium, a vicodin and some icy-hot, I feel almost human. But if I move too fast, oh the pain!!

Saturday we had an early Thanksgiving at my in-laws. It was so nice to see everyone and watch D play with his cousins. The cousins are a little roudy and selfish, but I think D wasn't really aware of that, he was just running after them. Later, cousin Cassie read D a story while he was laying on the couch. That was sweet because he never lets anyone read to him.

Every day he changes a little more. Today he seems very independent. He's playing by himself in his room (which he's never really done before) and closing the door. When ever I go in to check on him, he gives me a little look like "Yes, what can I do for you?" Watching him grow is so bittersweet.

I suppose I should pick up some of the house while my back is feeling better. I hope I can make it thru work.

Happy Monday!

Little Boo

Halloween was pretty fun, I think. We took D trick or treating and he didn't like it too much. I think he was wondering why we were dragging him to strangers' houses. He didn't like his costume too much either, he cried when we put it on him.





I finally squeezed his big head into the hat. He was not amused. That is not spider venom coming out of his mouth, I had shoved a piece of chocolate in there hoping to make him smile. It didn't work.

D and E went back home and handed out candy while I took our neighbor boy out to trick or treat the rest of the neighborhood. We walked around for an hour and a half in the cold and rain. At least I can say I got a bit of a workout!

D had fun helping E pass out candy, he would hear the doorbell and run to the door, squeeze in between our legs to look at the kids. He was so cute! I think that maybe we'll dress him up next year and let him pass out the candy.

I'm working too much this week. This is the Thurs and Friday that I work 7 to 4. I don't know how I will manage to get up at that ungodly hour, hopefully I won't be to late!